Hey, there, boys, girls, they, ghouls, witches, vampires, werewolves, zombies, demons, and my neighbor that won’t stop staring at me. Yeah, Mike, I’m talking to you, buddy! If I want to use my wood chipper to dispose of dead teenagers that camped on my property then THAT’S MY BUSINESS! YOU SLIMY GOOD FOR NOTHING SON OF A #$@*!
I apologize for that folks. See, Mike and I go way back but to keep a long story short – he’s still being a big baby because I asked his high school crush out to prom. Give it a break, man. She had no idea you existed, ya freakin’ stalker. Let it go already. It’s been 43 years! High school drama, am I right? Plus, Laurie wasn’t even interested in me, she declined my proposal. Funny enough, we never saw her at prom. Oh, well, that’s neither here nor there.
WARNING:
Mr. Buzzkill is not responsible nor is held accountable for any stupid suggestions he makes in this article and future articles. To tell you the truth, he’s not mentally stable and he just stumbled into our office asking for a job. He had a lot of interesting stories so we hired him and pay him in skittles. So, there’s that. Enjoy your read.
I’m Barry Buzzkill! The master of mediocre advice, criticism, and reviews of all things horror! The list below will save your life or might get you killed in a horror movie situation. Meh, you’ll be fine, reader… Maybe. Let us begin the list.
THE 5 DO’S!
1.) RUN, BABY, RUN!
If something doesn’t feel right then you have to; Andele-andele, mami, E.I. E.I. Uh-ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Out of there. Never, I repeat NEVER slow down for a breather until you are in a public area or inside an active vehicle. Don’t be that oaf that slows down because they stopped hearing footsteps or stopped hearing the scary music playing that cues the killer’s presence. Also, make sure to stretch before visiting any haunted house, cabin, forest, cult, graveyard, or campsite. That way you won’t pull a hamstring like yours truly. Curse you laziness, curse you to hell!
2.) USE A PEW-PEW TOOL
Guns are your best friends when facing a deranged killer a horde of zombies or a house full of intruders that to record a snuff film. Oh, but Buzzkill it’s hard to get guns in my country as compared to the USA! – you may say, my foreign reader. My sweet-sweet naive non-American that’s why you have to move to the USA for the zombie apocalypse or delve into the deep dark web like I di- I mean. No, I didn’t *nervous laughter*. You’re not wearing a wire? Tell me, reader!
3.) STAY CALM
A level-headed mind is one of the most important keys to survival. When you begin to panic that’s when all hell breaks loose folks. I get it. It’s easier said than done but it works. That’s how I caught all those teens on my property. I remained calm and watched them fall one-by-one into my traps… I’ve… I’ve said too much. Eh, onward to number 4.
4.) TIE YOUR SHOES, OR DIE
Will you nincompoops ever learn? It’s simple, keep your shoes tied at all times. This will prevent people from falling so much when running away from your psychopath. If you have to double-knot, then double-knot! Make your bunny ears, loop-de-loop, and all that good sh*t. If you can’t tie your shoes because you are injured then ask a friend for assistance. If you don’t know how to d]tie your shoes then you very well deserve to die.
5.) SHUT UP. SHUT. THE. HECK. UP!
Be quiet as a mouse, scratch that. Be quiet as a mouse’s fart. If you can’t run then shut your mouth and zip it up real tight. Your stomach starts growling then chew on dirt or punch your stomach. Do anything to be silent! If whatever is after you can’t hear you then you’re near non-existent as far as I’m concerned. Don’t be that person always greeting every room they enter like – Hello, hellllllooo. Anybody there? Don’t ask who is it every 10 minutes. You make little to no noise then you just boosted yourself a 78% chance to survive.
THE 5 DON’T’S!
1.) DON’T GO ANYWHERE SCARY IN THE FIRST PLACE
Buzzkill is all for a beer and bonfire with the crew. I’m down for a vacation on a lovely white sand beach, even down for an adventurous road trip. Those are all fine and dandy without a question of doubt but once you tell me these places have some creepy origin story I’m out. Don’t tell me about an ancient Native American burial ground, I’m out. A masked killer once walked these grounds, I’m out. This forest is infamous for its witch covens, I’m out. There was an exorcism in this house, I’m out. I ordered us a pizza with pineapples, I’m out.
2.) DON’T SPLIT UP
There is no I in the word team unless you try hard to spell it as “tiem” which makes no sense. Stay together people, it’s not difficult. This isn’t an episode of Scooby-Doo. There’s a high possibility that I’ll die fighting Jason Voorhees but I’ll at least die with friends fighting by my side. Teamwork is key. Also, I can always push a few friends forward if we’re in a group, that way I can haul butt off into the sunset. Buzzkill, loves himself more than his friends, sorry not sorry.
3.) BE LIKE A NUN, NO SEX
*Inhales deeply* You guys smell that? That’s horny college students, regrettable decisions, missed birth controls, and bland personalities. Emphasis on the word – HORNY. I like to bump and grind as the kids like to say today but there’s a time and place for all that roughhousing. Please, don’t put the hotdog into the donut, don’t connect the scissors, don’t tickle the pickle, don’t rock the boat, don’t whatever else people do nowadays. If you have to think gross thoughts then do it to prevent sex.
4.) DON’T BE A HERO
Look, I’m going to level with you, reader, by keeping this short. You had your chance to be the hero when you were in charge of directions. Could have turned the car around. You could have been the hero before the scary trip by suggesting we all go to Disneyland. NOPE! That ship has sailed. It’s about me, myself, and I. If you know you and your friend are in a tight spot. There’s a low chance of rescuing them then by all means let them go visit pearly gates. Who am I to get in the way of God’s plans. Hallelujah.
5.) DON’T GET HIGH
Don’t use drugs. The last thing you need is to be chased by a chainsaw maniac while you’re chasing a magical dragon in Candyland. Drugs are bad, mmkay. So give them to me.
In conclusion, bye.
