You can now watch Poolman only in theaters.
It’s nearly impossible to overemphasize positive thinking as a film critic. In fact, we are trained to forgo any suppression of negative emotions or experiences and embrace them so we can look at films with a critical eye. However, Chirs Pine is a likable actor that you want to root for Poolman. Yet, it was nearly impossible to sit through whenever I tried to watch his freshman film.
God bless the few brave souls who enjoyed Pine’s directorial debut over the festival circuit. Yes, it’s wonderful to have an optimistic perspective on life. And yes, we should all try to look at life like a glass half full. However, I’m worried those few have such a positive outlook on life that it borders on toxic.
Perhaps that is the only explanation of how such a dull, incoherent, and self-indulgent cinematic mess could be embraced. Pine’s film is inexplicably bad. I cannot sugarcoat the experience for you for fear of my conscious being clear. Poolman is one of the year’s worst films, and you may not see a worse one until we reach midnight on January 1st, 2025.
Poolman Review and Synopsis
Written by Pine and Ian Gotler (My Heroes Were Cowboys), Poolman follows an eternal optimist (again, toxic positivity is a real thing), Darren Barrenman (Pine), a native of the City of Angels. Darren lives in an unmovable trailer right next to the small pool he cares for at the Tahitian Tiki apartment complex. It’s easy to see why Darren is such an optimist.
For one, he never has to work. He takes five minutes to clean the pool. He sunbathes, has sex with his fuck buddy Susan (Jennifer Jason Leigh), helps his buddy Jack (Danny Devito) make a documentary, and Diane (Annette Benning) practices her amateur therapist skills on Darren’s anxiety issues. The rest of the time, he speaks at city council meetings, fighting for the community.
Pine is arrested after causing a scene in front of Councilman Toronkowski (Groundhog Day’s Stephen Tobolowsky) but is bailed out by a mysterious woman, a dame named June (Fatherhood’s DeWanda Wise). Why does she shower Darren with this generosity? I honestly couldn’t tell you because the script is as frenetic and incoherent as the main character.
Poolman Is One Of The Year’s Worst Films
Pine’s Poolman is filled with quirky characters, but the director and star have no idea what material they have at their fingertips — it’s a comic strip. Except, Pine attempts to evolve his film from a quirky comedy into a sun-soaked neo-noir. I would argue the plot is convoluted because it’s hard to follow, only because the script does such a poor job of defining the plot.
Part of that issue is the dialogue. There are at least a dozen endless scenes where people talk and argue over each other. These arguments lack style, pacing, wit, clever wordplay, and timing and are not simply funny. There is no cinematic exaggeration. The characters are so paper thin that they also lack basic dynamics. In fact, I would say there is not one likable character in the entire film.
Chris Pine’s Darren is not likable or loveable, a basic need for any character whose script is supposed to be designed for the audience to root for. If you don’t know what Darren’s motivation is, how can you? His only attribute seems odd or quirky for no reason to distract you from the lack of plot. Like a pointless Iguanna or taking a long (long) time ordering an, wait for it, an egg cream?
Is Poolman Worth Watching?
Not only is Poolman one of the worst films of the year, I cannot imagine a worse debut. To be a quirky comedy that transitions into a noir, the characters cannot just be “weird” for the sake of being different. There has to be a subtext behind their motivation. We don’t know why Darren likes being a “Poolman” or a community advocate other than there’s nothing else to do on a lazy afternoon.
These choices do not produce one single laugh or moment of amusement. They seem to obfuscate the fact that the film is too lazy to be narratively driven or shallow to be a character study. Poolman is more of an irreverent comic strip stretched into a 90-minute feature in the hands of someone who cannot articulate the material or know what kind of film he has in his hands.
Perhaps most shocking is the fact Pine miscast himself in a part that is so underwhelming and underwritten. (This shouldn’t be a surprise, considering some underwhelming career choices in his filmography.) Pine’s debut film is a dull, hollow, and shallow tribute to a genre with such a stunning lack of substance it becomes an excruciatingly insignificant and futile cinematic experience.
You can now watch Poolman only in theaters.
1/10
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