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The Ultimate Guide In Becoming A Successful Batman Villain

Do you have what it takes to be a successful villain? I can’t hear you. That’s not loud enough. Louder! Say it with your chest, you pronoun! Seriously, I can’t hear you because you’re yelling at an article. Sort of makes you look crazy. Say; that’s a good place to start the article – Crazy. Here’s Buzzkill’s Guide To Be A Successful Batman Villain.

1.) Be Crazy Or At Least Nicholas Cage Crazy
Nicholas Cage Batman

Hey, I get it Mr./Ms. reader. Buzzkill feels your pain. How can you out-crazy someone like the Joker? Let alone half of Batman’s rogue’s gallery. It’s going to be a steep mountain to climb in order to be successful but that’s why you clicked this article! You want to learn. So the first step is to invite all of your friends over and let everyone know you are ordering pizza. They’ll all be jumping for joy and probably slobbering on themselves due to the whole mask rule during Covid. Respect the rules, I think? Darn, this is confusing because you are a villain. Anyways! The pizza arrives, you’re a “hero” for this move, but we both know this is all a villainous plan. They open the box *drumroll* and its pineapples all over the pizza. You dastardly crazy being! You’ve now ruined the evening, congratulations.

2.) Possessing The Strength Of Gump’s Lungs And Hamstrings
Forrest Gump Batman

I don’t how to break it to you, but you’re going to have to haul your booty when you hear a *swoosh* sound. Unless you want a concussion and having your last memory being a 6’2″ man dressed as a flying rodent breaking your teeth in. Have you looking like Tom Cruise in the movie – The Outsiders. In conclusion, you run, Forrest, run!

3.) Taking A Good Ole’ Fashion Butt Whoopin’
South Park Batman

Butt whoopin, it’s essentially a badge of honor, right of passage you may say among villains to be molly-whopped a few times by Batman. Plus, running isn’t always going to cut it. Having an iron chin is crucial too. Have you ever been hit so hard, so fast that you ask the person that hit you – Did they hit you?

4.) An Eye-catching Costume And Name
Zoolander Batman

If a villain is looking stylish then they’ll feel confident and confidence breeds success. Want to rob a bank, hey, look stylish doing during the crime. Kidnap the Mayor of Gotham’s daughter, then look stylish doing it, baby. Poison the city’s waterline, why not add some drip? In the mood to murder a billionaire couple in front of their child in an alley, while looking like a billion bucks too. Go for it! Also, it doesn’t hurt to have a sexy villain name. An easy way to create such a name is to use the name of your first pet and your favorite thing. I’ll go first. My first pet was named Fluffy she was such a beautiful snake and I love planets. I’ll choose my favorite planet – Uranus. Let’s see what we got! Wait a minute…

5.) Fantastic Health Insurance Is Key
Pink Panther Batman

It’s not about being the most powerful, fastest, smartest, an impressive escape artist, or have the best henchmen money can buy in order to be a successful Batman villain. That’s left for the amateurs; what is truly needed to be the most successful is the healthcare a criminal owns. I’ve ended up in the ER because of jaywalking in Gothan many times, and none of those injuries had to do with cars. The Riddler isn’t Wolverine with his fast healing powers. Riddler has fast health insurance, remember that.

Written by Barry Buzzkill

Woah, he writes!